Senator Tariq Azeem wants her in the Senate…but our headline-grabbing siren has set her sights a little higher…
A columnist writing in this newspaper suggested that if 2012
were to match the outlandish eventfulness of its predecessor, Veena
Malik would need to become our president.
Perhaps this was the apocalypse that the Mayans had been losing sleep
over. Here, then, is her first address to the nation as head of state:
My dear countrymen, women, and Ali Saleem. Today I stand proud before
you as the first elected woman president of this country and the only
one to have been a model, actress, comedian, mimic, TV show host,
reality TV star and something else that I forgot. I have so many diverse
talents that I will apply again to the Guineeez Book of Records. Last
time I did that they said they had no category for the biggest
attention-grabbing sleazebag. Well, I hope being president would change
that. Or would it? Anyways, I digress. When I was running for this
exalted office many people tried to laugh it off. What, Veena?
President!? But I kept my faith, one of the few things I kept on. If
Newt Gingrich can run for president, I reckoned, any Dick can do it. And
Tom and Harry too. I digress again. I wanted to keep this speech briefs
but this is a momentous occasion and the biggest photo-shoot I ever
did. So bare with me, please.
We all know Pakistan is in bad shape; we need a workout. I mean we
need to work hard. We have hit bottom. But now we’ll go for the top.
With me as your leader, I can assure you we will rise to new heights. I
have ambitious plans. We will erect new buildings; build roads, overhead
bridges, underpants. We will raise our economy so ordinary people could
afford Gucci and Prada and Tariq Amin facials. But to achieve all that
we have to make sacrifices and take very bold steps. I will do all my
parts but the entire nation should contribute. I want all of you to
become model citizens. To that end I would encourage the growth of
modelling agencies and beauty salons. I would encourage foreign
investment, especially from big, reputable international firms like
Playboy and Victoria’s Secret. And for people’s shopping convenience, I
intend to build strip malls all over, and very fast food joints for the
hungry and needy. Also, for recreation and for promoting very soft
images of Pakistan, we’ll have clothing-optional resorts in places like
Swat, Lyari and Raiwind. Yes, I intend to give Pakistan a complete
makeover!
Ever since I took oath, people have been asking me about foreign
affairs. I have no problem with them as long as it’s done in a hush-hush
way and the media don’t make a circus of your private life. Look at
poor Shoaib and Sania. On a similar note, I’m for very intimate
relations with India. It has the world’s biggest entertainment industry
and we can all benefit from that. We should keep abreast with India, and
we should pose no threat to it whatsoever; it’s a happening place and
the commissions are good.
With the Americans I intend to be soft and firm at the same time,
depending on the situation. They’ve been bombing us but, seriously, they
have great glossy ’zines. I have yet to decide about that country and I
won’t reveal too much at this stage.
For those who’ve expressed concerns about my relationship with the
army and the agencies, let me be clear: I will work shoulder-to-shoulder
with the ISI, go arm-in-arm with the military. I have nothing against
them. Absolutely nothing.
Finally, some key appointments: Amir Liaquat as info and culture
adviser. He’s a smooth talker and the silk designer-wear is chic. My old
pal Muhammad Asif as PCB chairman, once he’s done jail time. And I was
thinking: Mathira as US ambassador but we don’t want a mammogate now, do
we?
Pakistan Zindabad!
